Holy Crap is right!  I up and abandoned my blog for a while which is a pretty good reflecting of my neglect towards my diet over the last little while.  A stalker friend of mine Lynda has been harassing encouraging me to get back to blogging and so here I am – hitting up the blogosphere for another attempt to broadcast the ups and downs of my weight struggles.  I haven’t been blogging for so many reasons all of which include that I have had fallen off the diet bandwagon but I am now back with new focus and while I have gained back some of the weight I had lost -I have gotten my refocus before I had gained back all if not more of it which for me is a massive accomplishment. 

I am in fact cheering for myself and recognizing that noticing I had fallen off the diet bandwagon before I was heavier than I started out is something new for me and I’m realizing this at a time when I am generally at my best diet wise — summer!  I am sure that a lot of my readers have gone wayward on me and I can’t blame you but I hope a new post will entice some of you back!  I am about to make a lot of changes in my life and I’m really excited to be sharing them with you all again.  So much has changed in the past 6 months and my life is a complete hectic storm cloud of events and situations all of which have distracted me and pulled me away from my goal of a healthier me – in fact….more than 5 whole months have passed since my doctor put in my referral for weight loss surgery – 5 Months!  Holy CRAP!!

I’m assuming some of you are seeking an update about where I am in that process and guess what?!  I actually have news – BIG news!  After over five months on the waiting list I got a call this week inviting me to the hospital to have my weight loss surgery orientation!  AWESOMENESS!!!  I have been waiting for this for a long time now (although not as long as some people in Ontario) and feel really lucky to have the opportunity to get to have a new more positive outlook on my obesity – morbid obesity – super morbid obesity?!  Whatever – I don’t know which one of those categories I am in but quite frankly I don’t care anymore because I am just so excited to be on my way now!  HOLY CRAP! 

I have committed to making some more changes in my diet right now but will get to that in the days to come but for now you should know that I am doing well, wishing it would stop raining, and just thrilled to be attending my orientation meeting this Thursday —which I will share all the details with you about after of course!  Looking forward to getting this place happening again and sharing so much with all of you!

If you could do just one thing for yourself, would you?

If you could make just one decision that could impact your life positively in some way, could you?

If you could stand up for you just for one moment, will you?

If I asked you to stop putting the needs and wants of other people ahead of your own, would you suppose I was crazy?

If I asked you to trust me and quit being so hard on yourself, could you?

Back at the end of March 2010 when I was laying on the bed of a hospital machine with an I.V in my arm waiting to have radioactive dye course through my veins and arteries there were many things going through my mind. I wondered if I could my over-sized body would fit into the small opening of the cat scan machine, I fretted and worried about all of the possibilities the test could reveal, and as I listened to the man tell me that in some instances people have a reaction to the dye that causes anaphylactic shock but that I shouldn’t worry because they had a crash cart right in the room……at that very moment tears swelled in the bottom of my eyes and I had the revelation that would transform is transforming my life.

When I became a parent I spent so much energy and time trying to be the best parent that I could be.  In fact, from the very moment I got pregnant I had ideas about the kind of parent that I was going to be and made mental lists of the things in my head that were important.  I didn’t realize that the things that started becoming important were the things that other people had somehow convinced me were necessary and just like I started planning how I would parent from the minute I knew I was pregnant….I also started an internal dialogue of self-criticism that has torn me down over the past couple of years.  I constantly felt like I was being assessed for my skills as a mother but in the end, as I laid there on that hospital table I realized that I was the only one assessing me and quite frankly I was doing a piss poor job of it too.

I laid out these expectations for myself about how everything needed to be and used my own perfectionist ideas to judge my success as a parent and because of this guess what?  More times than not I was finding that I wasn’t living up to my own expectations of what a “good mother” was and I realized that I was being really very hard on myself.  Thinking back over the years of my life (some of them more easy to think about than others) I can recall feeling similarly about other things too and participating in the same self-defeating conversations with my self:  ”you are not good enough” and “nothing you ever do will amount too much”.

I came home from the hospital that day with a clean bill of health…every little part of me had been check out and all I had been an infection in my leg that would be easily treated with a round of antibiotics.  In mere hours I went from being certain I was going to die and leave behind my children to hearing that my health (aside from my upward growing weight) was perfect.  I flicked on my computer when I got home and during a search on google I came across words wisely spoken by Mahatma Gandhi……

“My life is my message”

I started thinking about those words and something really hit me….having just gone through an experience where I was certain that the effects of obesity were going to kill me I wondered to myself….if I died right now, what would my message be?  I made a decision that I wanted my message to be one that my children could look up to, one that my friends would smile about if I were not here, something that my family could look back on and say “Melissa really loved life”.  So I decided to quit neglecting myself and start living for me and guess what happened along the way…

You may not believe it but when I started doing things for myself (finally) I started becoming a better mother, friend, sister, daughter, employee, lover, and wife.  I started to walk with my head held higher and stopping giving a shit about what other people thought about me and the choices I made as a parent.  I quit caring if my son was crying in the shopping mall because he wanted a new toy and everyone was staring at us..let them stare  because I just quit caring about those minuscule things and started living as if now was the only time I had to write my message.  I lost 70 pounds with hard work and focus on myself and started enjoying a life free from the restrictions of worry and perfection simply because I just quit focusing on other people as a priority and put myself first.

I was happier and guess what my children were getting the mother they deserved because I in turn was more patient, more energetic, and making decisions about how to raise them based on just living and letting instead of preplanned over thought out choices.  I realize lately that I have been struggling with this and I lost my focus so I used this blog post to therapeutically get myself refocused so that I could keep being a better me and in turn be a better mother, better friend, etc. etc.  So this is my cyber kick in the ass and I’m sharing it with you because I’m asking you to do something for yourself….

Quit it.

Just quit it.

Quit setting ridiculous expectations on yourself and just for one week, one day, one hour, one minute put yourself first.  Take a deep breath and stop over thinking it….just act.

“My life is my message”

I want my message to be one of self-love and respect and I want that to radiate outward and effect every aspect of my life because I know that it will.

What do you want your message to be?

Ok here it is!  I can’t believe I’m actually doing this but I am posting my first ever VLOG!  I am such an incredibly shy and anxious person but I did it and guess what…..I don’t hate it!!  I don’t love it but it certainly doesn’t cause me to get heart palpitations or randomly burst out into dry heaving so I’ll use it!  The only thing that bothered me aside from the caterpiller eyebrows that I’m sporting is the fact that my nose was sooooo freaking itchy the whole time!!  I had to scratch my nose and I’m soooo sorry!!

But without further delay…..

Weight Loss Surgery Vlog #1

Did you survive?!  I was really nervous and barely survived doing it but I’m sure it will get easier with time!  I just know I’m going to love looking back and seeing the changes over time and seeing how much more confident I get over time!

I changed the design of my blog to something a little more simple and I think I kind of like it….do you?  Leave me a comment and let me know what you’re thinking of the new layout and colour scheme because if it’s totally obnoxious then I’ll change it up again….I aim to please.  I can say though that I am kind of liking the new prettied up look a lot!

Speaking of getting prettied up I’d like to go on the record as saying that I’m not feeling too hyped up about  myself right now.  I’m still fighting to lose the ten pounds I gained through the holidays and I need some major hair help before the hair police come bashing down my door to take me in.  I drastically need to get my hair cut and coloured but the thing is that I freaking love the length of my hair right now…I just wish it wasn’t so dead at its ends and so gray at the roots.  I have a complete hate on for hair cuts and I do this to myself all the time (go too long without a hair cut)….I seriously need to just start getting my hair cut every 2-3 months like a normal person and then I’d probably have my long hair I have now…only healthier.  I never take my own advice ever but I’m saying out loud that at some point in the month of February I am going to get my hair cut and coloured, my toes pedicured, and my eyebrows waxed….2011 is the year of taking care of me, of making decisions to increase self-love and decrease self-hate…taking control of my life by doing some nice things for me too.   Yay.

In weight loss surgery related news my referral is still “in process” but I am feeling more and more confident about it every day – the more I reflect and think on it the more I feel like it is the right way to go but still despite that confidence I do not stop fighting the food addiction and trying to do it on my own because the waiting list for surgery is long…it will likely be over a year before I even hear from the hospital so I am still focusing my efforts on dropping the weight because the lower my bmi is going into surgery the lower my chances are of experiencing any complication. You might recall that I was trying desperately to get referred to a hospital that was just outside of my referral zone (based on the new standard of using the centralized referral system in Canada) but so far it’s not looking like that is going to end up in my favour so I just may end up at a downtown hospital….I’m not sure how I feel about that because I was so confident in the Hamilton doctors but I am still taking it one day at a time and just seeing what happens.  I had a message from my doctor on Friday when I got home from work and she had not faxed through my referral because she wanted to make sure it was still a go despite the fact that I was likely not going to end up at my hospital of choice…so I called today and had the referral finally faxed through..and now the waiting game begins.

I’ve decided that if I am going to thoughtfully consider and possibly prepare for weight loss surgery I am going to video tape my thoughts on the whole process so that I can have some visual and verbal representation of the changes happening in my life and hopefully if other people out there are considering surgery they can get some of their questions answered too….plus I love to hear the ideas and thoughts of other people.  Of course with all things in my life there are some obstacles to overcome like my extreme shyness and social anxiety…I really feel if I can get these videos cranked out they will really make me feel like I’ve overcome something that was difficult for me and gosh I hope I’d encourage someone else to take a step out too.  Sooooooo….if you’re interested in seeing me in motion stick around and follow the journey through  my soon to be appearing VLOGS…much like blogging except well….with video.  Weeeeee!  Am I crazy?  Maybe.  Maybe not….but I’m kind of excited about it!!

Well I survived my yearly poke and prod with my doctor and lived to come blog the story to the world or in this case anyone that is willing to read along on this crazy, sometimes great, often topsy-turvy, weight loss journey of mine.  If you are just tuning in now you should know that I am continue to try losing weight while considering weight loss surgery and going through the process of referral.  I guess that’s a really short explanation for what has been going on but you should know that it is a long thought out and frequently considered thing that you can find more about by reading my previous entries.

I had not seen my doctor since just after I had given birth to my daughter (who by the way turns 2 this week…sigh) so she was very angry that I had missed a physical happy to see me again!  She started with the usual weight check and the WOW MELISSA YOU LOST OVER 60 POUNDS SINCE I LAST SAW YOU celebration and although she was smiling and ecstatic  I was cringing inside because I know that I had at one point lost 75 pounds and over the holidays and the stress of life recently that number is not so high.  After she was done rejoicing we did my blood pressure which was high for me….so she did it again…no change it was 136/96…I’ve never had high blood pressure ever so she was kind of curious about how my anxiety level was doing that day and so I told her all about my desire for a weight loss surgery referral and after we’d talked for some time (my poor husband was waiting in the waiting room for his turn to see her)…we did my blood pressure again and it was 120/75 – in other words….normal.  Anxiety is such a killer sometimes – gosh I wish I wasn’t such an anxious person sometimes but it is who I am and I’ve really managed that over the years so I can’t complain at all about it.

So back to the weight loss surgery referral part of my physical….my doctor is 100% supportive of this idea and has supported two other patients through the surgery.  I asked her some questions and we both agreed that the pros outweighed the cons and that it was definitely a process worth exploring.  As always she was impressed with  my knowledge of the surgery and I reminded her that it was really just my anxiety at the forefront because I couldn’t possibly consider such an extreme surgery without knowing every detail about the procedure inside and out.  I told her I needed a new sleep study to be done as a part of the process to get approved for the surgery and in agreement she told me she’d refer me to a sleep clinic near my house so that I didn’t get delayed later on in the process waiting for results. I had to spend some time explaining how the bariatric registry works in Ontario because she had done her last referral before the new Ontario system rolled in and she asked to keep most of the information about it I had printed off for her.

In other weight loss related news I was relieved that I did not gain back more weight than the scale in the doctor’s office showed.  I can’t emphasize enough the importance of having a great doctor who is supportive and who isn’t “fat phobic”….I adore her and feel very fortunate to have her around to take care of me through the years.  I am going to guess that I’ll see her a couple of times through this year which is great because I find she is very logical and calming! When I left she told me that she’d call me and let me know when she had sent in the referral but she has not yet called so I guess I’ll check in on her next week to make sure the ball is still moving in the right direction…I know how busy doctors can get – especially those in downtown Toronto locations – so I will just give a little ring a ling to make sure all is a go!

To celebrate the courage it took for me to admit that this weight loss thing might be too much for me to handle on my own I got myself three new books!

Before and After:  Living and Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery

Weight Loss Surgery for Dummies

And….

Room (not a weight loss surgery book but one that I’ve been dying to read for a while now)

One step forward….so much lies ahead.

I have a lot of friends who watch The Biggest Loser on television because they find it motivating to watch the contestants and follow their weight loss efforts as documented by the television series.  I’ve tried to get connected to this show over the last couple of years because I agree that it’s awesome to see people as big as you and larger come to terms with their weight loss struggles and finally overcome.  The thing is that I haven’t connected instead I feel frustrated by the show (and perhaps jealous) because it’s just not a reality for me that I could spend 8 hours in the gym, have highly supervised food intake, and have a personal trainer, dietician, and team of medical staff at my beck and call….it’s like a dream come true right?  I mean if you’ve battled obesity for so many years like me it would be so wonderful to have all of those resources available to help battle the addiction to food and fight obesity but the fact remains that I do not.  As a result of this frustration I found myself withdrawing from the show for a couple of seasons until this year when I decided I wanted to pay attention to some of the workouts and get some ideas to amp up my own workouts in the gym.

If you watch The Biggest Loser you know that last week was the much-anticipated season premiere and I not really thinking too hard about 4-year-old intelligent ears in the room threw it on the TV while my son was sitting at the table doing an activity.  I’ve never watched any highly intense adult television programming around my children but for some reason I just didn’t even think when I clicked into the channel and started watching while he played.  After the opening bits and pieces where they introduce you to the contestants (let’s remember this is a weight loss competition) it came to the part where they stand on the scale and their obesity is revealed to all the world.  I watched as numbers both higher and lower than my starting weight of 390 pounds flashed across the screen when contestant after contestant got up and stood up on the scale….I was in a zone, staring, taking it all in when a woman on the show got up on the scale and her starting weight flashed 268 pounds….suddenly I heard this voice say…

WHOA

THAT

IS

A LOT

OF

POUNDS…………….

I turned around to see my 4-year-old looking up at the screen, staring at the woman who had just stepped onto the scale, his face curious, eyes expressive, and mouth wide as if in shock.  It only took a second before the husband and I decided to turn off the TV and a mere moment for my heart to crush as I thought about how 268 was a lot of pounds for a woman and how at 390 pounds I had a whole whopping 122 pounds more than that woman…..I let my mind wander too far….I wonder what my son thought of his own mother….he doesn’t see me as a number right now and I know that but how does he see me?  He is young enough right now to love me as he always will but at some point would he resent having an obese mother?  I bet so.  I can’t tell you how much it breaks my heart and you would think (if you’re one of those people who think overcoming obesity is as simple as eat less move more) that it would inspire me to try harder…

Except here’s the thing…..

It’s so damn hard.  I wish I could explain it in softer more eloquent words but I can’t so instead all I can say is that it is so damn hard.

390 pounds is not so easily undone but I am trying to make changes that will help me get to where I want to be but I just can’t make a time commitment…the only committment I made was that I wasn’t going to go near that number again and I’m sticking to it….it’s just a constant fight but one that won’t be lost.

I’m doing it first for myself and then second for my children who need me alive and kicking….besides if I don’t live until my daughter is a teenager who is she going to scream and groan at during those oh so fantastic years as a hormonal whacked out teenaged girl?  I can’t rob her of those experiences can I?  I’m kidding there but seriously I have so much life and love left in me to give and now is the time to figure out how to make sure I get to see the whole show so to speak.

But Whoa THAT’S a lot of pounds sits heavily on my heart today…

Both figuratively and literally.

It’s a new year and I haven’t made one of those posts yet telling you about all the wonderful fantabulous goals I have for myself in TWENTY-ELEVEN….because as in past years I’ve resolved to make no resolutions for the year (thereby breaking my resolution from the get go).  I don’t feel like New Years resolutions have gotten me very far in the past so I’ve decided to forbid them from my life forever because of it.  Here’s the thing though….

I need some new goals right now.

I need some things to reach for and a resolution  b   to lose one hundred pounds” sounds nice but it’s not going to help.

So I guess without calling them reservations I’ve decided to make some commitments to  myself for the next little while and see how that goes.  I am one of those people who despises stagnancy…I always need to be thinking and feeling like I’m moving or going somewhere spectacular – it feels good to be optimistic right?  Mama always said a little optimism never hurt anyone….so I’m going to cling to it.  In the spirit of moving forward I am challenging all of my friends and family to think of some of the things that are worth fighting for in their lives and then to say them out loud.  Here’s my list…

1.  Eat a little less and move a little more.

There is no special explanation for this one as it pretty much explains itself really….it’s the basics when it comes to weight loss which for me is not really so basic with you’re talking about an addiction to food that has caused the morbid obesity that I’m faced with now.

2.  Quit diet-coke forever and ever amen.

Seriously?  It’s kind of like crack-cocaine for me…I somehow get drawn back to it every single time that I quit so I am beginning my detox this week and besides if I do end up having weight loss surgery I have to give it up anyway soooooo….. get to it Mama!

3.  Blog twice a week at least.

I really found it helpful when I blogged regularly and used it as my own personal way of holding myself accountable…I found the comments of my readers helpful too so let’s get er done ladies and gentlemen.

4.  Put a face to the name.

I’ve posted pictures every now and then but I want to start putting a face to a name and share my own battles against obesity on a more personal level.  I commit to try doing a VLOG (video log) at least once..I make no promises about second or third videos but I want to do at least one.

5.  Make a confident decision about weight loss surgery.

I plan to seek a referral from my doctor and then attend the orientation session to get more information…after that I will have either a resounding yes vote or no vote and move forward or not from that point.

I think those are some good places to start and we’ll see that the days and months have in store for me.

So tell me…

What are your commitments to yourself?

I suspected that there would be a lot of mixed opinions about my idea to explore weight loss surgery and I’ve received some feedback from a variety of people with opinions on the both the supportive and unsupportive spectrums…but mostly what I’ve heard is silence.  I’m sure that’s because people are either very opinionated and I have to justify my need to explore this route…that being said I will offer this to my readers who have so thoughtfully supported me through every step of tdon’t want to offend me or hurt me about the matter OR they just don’t know much about the surgery and can’t really comment about making that choice.  I thought I’d feel the need to validate my thoughts to people who were nay sayers about the possibility of me having weight loss surgery but quite frankly I am just not feeling likhis weight loss roller coaster.  It’s really important for me to think of every possible way to reach optimum health so while I continue to make changes to lower my weight and improve my over all health I am realizing that I didn’t just have 25, 50, 100 or even 150 pounds to lose…..I needed to lose over 200 pounds from my 390 pound starting weight to achieve a health weight for my height.  At my height of 5’8 I should be around the 155 mark to be considered “not overweight” and that is a remarkable 235 pounds from where I started this whole journey.  When I say that number out loud as I have just now for the very first time ever I get overwhelmed and exasperated at myself.  I wish I could go back to the time in my life when food became a substitution for emotions that were too hard to deal with but we all know that this is not a possibility and the ability to eat more than I should was cemented and carved into me during those years so profoundly that it’s like being trapped inside a concrete box…I want out of it so badly but the concrete is for the most part tougher and harder than I ever imagined it was….the possibility of weight loss surgery opens up on opportunity for some help a long the way – that’s all.

Before I continue let’s remind everyone that I am an intelligent adult with the ability to thoughtfully consider decisions for my life….if you know me you know that I am a horribly anxious person who worries excessively about everything and because of that it forces me in situations like these to examine all the pros and cons quite indepethly….I will in the end make a decision that is extremely thought out and perfectly made for me and you can guarantee that it will be an extremely thought out, well researched, and heavily contemplated decision.

I spent an hour on the phone with my dear friend Lynda the other night (Lynda if it’s not okay that I mention you here….you can kill me later gater)…Lynda had gastric bypass surgery in I believe August of 2009 and she has lost an astounding 180 pounds (I believe). While we were talking together about her experiences with weight loss surgery I asked her if she has had a time since the surgery when she has regretted the decision and she confidently said that she did not regret it and she would do it again in a heartbeat….she was so sure and it settled well with me.  When I heard her say that I felt reassured but then something else that she said actually grabbed at my guts and turned me inside out….”if a doctor said to  you, Melissa if you don’t have this surgery you will only have 8 years left to live with your kids but if  you do have the surgery you can possibly live 50 years with your children….what would you do?”  I of course retaliated with but wouldn’t I rather have 8 years than 0 years because I made a choice that cost me my life right now….but the truth of the matter is we could all die on any day or at any time.

There’s definitely one thing I am really lucky to have and that’s the support of the hubby who says that he will be in my corner 100% no matter what decision I make.  It feels good to have a partner for life that loves and appreciates my ability to make wise decisions and having gone through the recovery of two c-sections (one of them torturous) with him by my side I know that I can face most anything.

There is so much to think about and luckily for me so much time to contemplate….

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit -
Rest if you must, but do not quit.

Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit -
It’s when things go wrong that you must not quit.

I’m sure most of you out there at some point in your life have seen, heard, pondered, or considered the words of this poem by an unknown author or if you haven’t i’m sure right now you are considering the words and how they might apply to your life.  I’ve never considered myself a “quitter” by any stretch of the imagination because I’ve always felt like the things that are the most important to you are worth fighting for so I’ve found myself reflecting on this poem often throughout difficult times in my life.  I remember hearing this poem for the very first time when I was a teenager at a time in my life when everything seemed so impossible and every road no matter which one I took seemed like an uphill struggle….as a teenager I wanted to quit really badly….to say “screw it” and “screw you” to every single person out there…..but here I am as an adult still trudging and still not quitting…the problems may be more adult compounded but in many ways they are still the same.

I confess that I have been failed tragically on my diet since I quit Jenny Craig because of the cost.  I naively thought that I had it all figured out and that it would be “easy” but as we all know….old habits do not die easily.  I have gained back about 10-12 pounds of what I lost which infuriates, disappoints, and challenges me all at the same time.  I somehow managed to keep it to just 10-12 pounds and for that I am grateful….I have had an ability to gain 5 pounds in one week so I am not permanently damaged by gaining 10 pounds back just kind of down in the dumps about it.  I remember back when I first started this blog I swore up and down that I was not going back to 390 pounds ever again and I maintain that thinking even now….which is why I have big news that will like stir the pot of some of my readers but ultimately it is my life to make important decisions and I am here now making a big one…..

I have decided to pursue the process of weight loss surgery as a possible solution to the obesity problems I’ve battled for years.  What does this mean?  This means that I have not made a decision about having the surgery or not having the surgery except that I am opening myself up to the possibility of the surgery by starting the referral process.  I have decided that since the waiting period is just over one year in Ontario to have the surgery it gives me ample time to continue losing weight and then decide if the surgery is for me or not after meeting with doctors and hearing/learning more about the process.  I will tell you that at this point I am leaning heavily towards having the surgery but I can say in the same breath that the possible complications of the surgery are frightening and anxiety provoking.  I plan to keep moving forward with diet and exercise….in fact I’d love to be about 275 if I have the surgery because obviously the smaller you are in weight the less possible complications you have during surgery. I feel like if I got to 275 and the surgery helped me lose the last 100 pounds I’d be in a pretty good place weight wise at least.  I hope nobody will panic or freak out about this…trust me when I say I am still in the very early planning stages of this….still weighing the pros and cons and gathering information….

I just can’t be 390 pounds again ever.

The next step for me is to focus on diet and exercise and talk to my doctor at  my physical in January about a referral for surgery..at this point I’m not even sure she’d be supportive although she’s usually very supportive of anything I decide.  I’m also planning a phone call to my friend Lyn who had the surgery a while back to feel her out about her thoughts and opinions…it’s just a matter of finding time away from my kids to have the conversation because I just don’t want them to be eavesdropping on that conversation.  I have a lot to think about..and I’m not making any New Years resolutions that have to do with weight – I refuse…..I just want to do…to move forward, keep losing but explore this possibility with serious consideration and either eliminate it as a possible solution or embrace it.

One thing is for certain….regardless of my decisions I still need all the support I can get!

Sometimes when things are not going as planned during my weight loss journey I find myself looking for something, anything that will tell me that what I’m doing….the choices I’m making…. are still making progress. It’s been a rough couple of weeks filled with the ups and downs of life – there is so much weighing on my mind but I think I’ve managed to keep my cool despite it all.  The old Melissa would have binged about a hundred times by now and I’d have likely gained back 20 pounds in three weeks…and YES it is possible believe me it is.  Work has been relatively calm where my clients are concerned but the hours have been long and the shifts many so that has pulled my focus a little bit but I am not making excuses I am just reminding myself about why things have been all sorts of crazy. Despite the struggles…through these hard times I am grateful for the following things….

2 weeks ago I pulled out the pair of jeans I wore on my first day with the husband and oh my they fit! They were a little bit snug but definitely fit! I never imagined that I would ever fit back into those jeans…certainly not two children and a completely different body layout later.  I can’t wait until they fit well enough that I would be able to survive wearing them for an entire day….but WOOT they fit!  Totally fit – I mean no hangers or laying on beds was involved!  They just did right up….as if they were meant to do just that. 

Last weekend we took a trip to Ontario Place and we were set up by a friend of the family with fantastic free play all day passes which was great and all but I knew it was pretty much useless to me because I just dont’ do the rides.  Over the years I’ve made excuses about why I didn’t go on the rides “I don’t like heights” which is true but this doesn’t really come into play when I ride a roller coaster – “I get sick on rides”…..ok so this is also true although I don’t get sick on all rides just the spinning in twelve different direction kind of rides.  The honest truth of the matter is that I realized that I was likely too large to fit in any of the rides at many of the different theme parks around and even if I could fit…the anxiety that would come with trying to see if I could fit..only to be told in front of a line of people that I was too big….was just too much for the effort. 

I like rides….

Rides just don’t like my body.

There’s a ride at Ontario Place called the Wilderness Adventure Ride where you and several other people sit in a boat and swirl and whirl down along a watered creek pathway splashing and swooshing all the way up until the final drop from a high hill that results in a bunch of people getting wet – you know these kind of rides right?  I LOVE this ride and so as usually I tried to hide my anxiety and disappointment about not going on it while all the other people in our groups including my four year old son climbed on board and took the ride for a spin.  I was sitting with my mom and watching – pretending like it didn’t matter that I wasn’t on that ride – acting like it was no big deal…but it was a big deal – I wanted on there so badly.  At one point my mother said “Melissa you should go, look at those two people waiting in line they are bigger than you are”…..you know you kind of blink twice or maybe three times when someone says that “they are bigger than you are” because I’m just not use to people being bigger than I am…I am always the biggest, it’s just always felt that way for me.  I of course snapped back with a “no way are they bigger than me Mom….rolled my eyes and watched one of the ride boats barrel down beside us with those two big people inside.  My mom made comments about me seeing myself bigger than I am and then when the family got off the ride Danny my mother’s husband said the same thing….and before I knew it I was dragging myself into a line-up and my mind was just doing a whole lot of rapid anxiety thinking. 

Shit.

What am I doing here in this line with all these skinny people?

I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about getting out of that ride about 800 times in the fifteen minutes it took us to get on and board the boat…and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t imagine the boat sinking with the force of my weight when I sat into it….but my gosh didn’t I just fit right in there with extra room?!?!  I mean obviously you can tell because i’m sitting here writing this that the boat didn’t sink….and seriously all hell broke loose within me – I was smiling ear to ear when I got off and then proceeded to go back on it again….

I would have written that boat all day long if I could. 

It was such a victory for me in a lot more ways then I ever could have imagined.

It was a much needed refreshment during a time of ups and downs for me…and I’m so glad I took the plunge and tried it….

Almost as glad as I am that the boat didn’t sink.