I have a lot of friends who watch The Biggest Loser on television because they find it motivating to watch the contestants and follow their weight loss efforts as documented by the television series.  I’ve tried to get connected to this show over the last couple of years because I agree that it’s awesome to see people as big as you and larger come to terms with their weight loss struggles and finally overcome.  The thing is that I haven’t connected instead I feel frustrated by the show (and perhaps jealous) because it’s just not a reality for me that I could spend 8 hours in the gym, have highly supervised food intake, and have a personal trainer, dietician, and team of medical staff at my beck and call….it’s like a dream come true right?  I mean if you’ve battled obesity for so many years like me it would be so wonderful to have all of those resources available to help battle the addiction to food and fight obesity but the fact remains that I do not.  As a result of this frustration I found myself withdrawing from the show for a couple of seasons until this year when I decided I wanted to pay attention to some of the workouts and get some ideas to amp up my own workouts in the gym.

If you watch The Biggest Loser you know that last week was the much-anticipated season premiere and I not really thinking too hard about 4-year-old intelligent ears in the room threw it on the TV while my son was sitting at the table doing an activity.  I’ve never watched any highly intense adult television programming around my children but for some reason I just didn’t even think when I clicked into the channel and started watching while he played.  After the opening bits and pieces where they introduce you to the contestants (let’s remember this is a weight loss competition) it came to the part where they stand on the scale and their obesity is revealed to all the world.  I watched as numbers both higher and lower than my starting weight of 390 pounds flashed across the screen when contestant after contestant got up and stood up on the scale….I was in a zone, staring, taking it all in when a woman on the show got up on the scale and her starting weight flashed 268 pounds….suddenly I heard this voice say…

WHOA

THAT

IS

A LOT

OF

POUNDS…………….

I turned around to see my 4-year-old looking up at the screen, staring at the woman who had just stepped onto the scale, his face curious, eyes expressive, and mouth wide as if in shock.  It only took a second before the husband and I decided to turn off the TV and a mere moment for my heart to crush as I thought about how 268 was a lot of pounds for a woman and how at 390 pounds I had a whole whopping 122 pounds more than that woman…..I let my mind wander too far….I wonder what my son thought of his own mother….he doesn’t see me as a number right now and I know that but how does he see me?  He is young enough right now to love me as he always will but at some point would he resent having an obese mother?  I bet so.  I can’t tell you how much it breaks my heart and you would think (if you’re one of those people who think overcoming obesity is as simple as eat less move more) that it would inspire me to try harder…

Except here’s the thing…..

It’s so damn hard.  I wish I could explain it in softer more eloquent words but I can’t so instead all I can say is that it is so damn hard.

390 pounds is not so easily undone but I am trying to make changes that will help me get to where I want to be but I just can’t make a time commitment…the only committment I made was that I wasn’t going to go near that number again and I’m sticking to it….it’s just a constant fight but one that won’t be lost.

I’m doing it first for myself and then second for my children who need me alive and kicking….besides if I don’t live until my daughter is a teenager who is she going to scream and groan at during those oh so fantastic years as a hormonal whacked out teenaged girl?  I can’t rob her of those experiences can I?  I’m kidding there but seriously I have so much life and love left in me to give and now is the time to figure out how to make sure I get to see the whole show so to speak.

But Whoa THAT’S a lot of pounds sits heavily on my heart today…

Both figuratively and literally.